Branch Theory

I was talking to a friend of mine a few nights ago, looking for some insight into the male psyche.

I had a problem, a problem that had been driving me nuts for an exceptionally long time.

Our conversation went something along these lines:

Me: Why is it the second you stop giving a guy the time of day, get over him, and get your shit together and move on, that he decides it is the opportune moment to start paying attention to you again? It’s the ultimate mindfuck.

Guy Friend: I have a way to explain this, I call it “Branch Theory.”

Me: Branch Theory? 

Guy Friend: Let’s say there is a monkey, and this monkey is holding onto a branch. He is trying to swing onto another branch, but is to scared to let go of the one he is holding onto until he is sure that he will be able to grab onto the other branch without falling. He doesn’t want either branch to fall out of his possible reach.

Me: Fair enough, but let’s say that this monkey is a sociopath, devoid of any emotional sentiment, and isn’t sure why he grabbed onto the branch in the first place, and really isn’t inclined to swing to another branch at any point in the near future. Then what?

Guy Friend: Uh…

Me: That’s when I hope the monkey falls to the jungle floor.